Keeping Your Cool in the Toughest Mothering Situations.

Well, it has happened again.  Last night, I realized I have not taken care of the task of preparing for the holiday weekend.  Our three children are old enough to know that the Easter Bunny is supported almost solely by their parents, so it may not seem like a big deal to skip a year this time around to save everybody (meaning, me) a bit of trouble.  However, our children have opted into playing what we call "The Game".  This game is the silent understanding and agreement that the Easter Bunny is essentially me and that as long as they play The Game and expect a basket full of colored grass, candy and something new and (hopefully) cool,  the "Easter Bunny" will provide. The Game came about as result of our two oldest children being told by our youngest and most practical child that all holiday icons (Santa Claus,  Easter Bunny, etc.) are, indeed, my husband and I. So, a family discussion of the facts-of-holidays followed and the gig was up.  We all decided that holidays are fun and part of the fun, aside from the vacation from school and family time, is the tradition that each holiday holds. Thus, the The Game was created, agreed upon and commenced and it has been played ever since. . . But, I have digressed.

The point of this blog is that early this morning, after dropping everyone at school or the bus, I made a last minute dash to my old get-it-done-quick standby. . .Target.  This morning the place was packed! I guess I am not the only one that the holiday sprung up and surprised this year.  So, I am making my way through the seasonal section, when I hear a child crying on the other aisle and the mother's response was tense with anger and frustration when she said "Get back in the cart and stay there!" My first response when I hear anger from a parent toward a small child is always the same: a sick feeling in my stomach.  This sick feeling is not created by anger at the parent or fear for the child's safety, which, arguably, it may well ought be.  The sick feeling comes from the last lingerings of a memory of losing my cool in a similar situation with one or all of our children when they were young.  Yuck! I don't like revisiting that memory. Yet, I know, I am not alone.

Mothering is a full time job and can be stressful at times. Then add in the necessities and responsibilities of living an adult life and it seems as if it is impossible to relax and stay calm when our children knowingly or unknowing push our "hot" buttons. And just to say what I imagine some of you are out there thinking: they always seem to push the "hot" buttons when the pressure is at a peak level.  It often feels as if they know it is the very worst time to "act up", which only escalates the possibility of losing our mothering cool.  Well, I am here to tell you their is a reason those peak pressure times are the hardest times to maintain our cool. It is all in our biology.  It is part of how are bodies are made to function.

We have a normal physiological response to events that make us feel threaten or upset our balance in some way.  This is called the stress response (aka fight-or-flight response) and it is our body's way of protecting us and in an emergency, can save your life or your child's life by giving you extra strength and energy.  The problem is that when a person senses danger or a feeling of imbalance, the body does not know the difference between real or imagined danger. So, you could be feeling out of balance, i. e. nervous or anxious about a report at work that is due the next day, then, that night your child is awake most of the night with an upset stomach.  Now, it is today, the day report is due, and you are lacking a good night's sleep.  Not one of the above circumstances is life threatening, but the body perceives the out-of-balance effect and says: this is a time to start the physiological chain of events to help protect you from danger. The result is the stress response, which is meant to make us react quickly, without thinking what we are doing or saying--not the best frame of mind to be in when keeping our mothering cool is necessary.  So, how do you manage life and biology to keep the stress response on deck, and only on deck, for times of real danger?  First, check out this website for ways to manage stress. Next, know that it is important to know what triggers a stress response in you. Once you know what your triggers are use methods that reverse the stress response and liberally.

The method I use and that works, for me, is aromatherapy.  In a matter of 22 seconds, a moment of incredible tension and stress can be relieved, allowing me to a pause and respond with intention rather than tension. The example I give others when I talk about how fast and effective aromatherapy can be is the day I was driving with our "tweenage" daughter. It had been a particularly stressful day and during our talk, a sensitive topic came up and next thing I knew she had unleashed a stream of tears and insults.  Thank goodness for the stoplight that road delivered!  I reached in my purse and pulled out StressAway blend, applied it to my wrists and neck and took a deep breath.  As the light turned green, I knew I could handle anything.  About 30 seconds later, my daughter, who had been crying, took a deep breath and started laughing! She then said she didn't know what was wrong with her and made a joke about crazy hormones.  We both started laughing at her joke.  I pulled over and gave her a hug!  Can you guess which oil I make room for in my purse to have on hand now that I have two teenagers and a "tweenager"? That's right StressAway!

Are you wondering what happen to the child and mother at Target this morning? Well, I'll tell you.  I grabbed my StressAway blend, applied it generously, scooted to the next aisle where the mother and child were and slowly, very slowly passed them so as to allow a little "guerrilla aromatherapy" to occur.  By the time I was in the next aisle, child and mother were quietly talking about the Easter items on the shelves.

Enjoy :)

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#Mothering Solution: It Helps To Use Your Inner Child

Hello and welcome!! Thank you for checking out my blog! I am so grateful to be able to share with you solutions to the everyday challenges that face mothers and the "tools" I use for keeping my family healthy and happy.

As I can imagine many mothers are able to attest, the gifts and trials of mothering are constantly being placed in front of us by our children.  Because mothering is a 24/7 commitment, whether one works outside the home full-time, part-time or is in full-immersion mode, we are constantly being put to the test of learning and growing along the way.  There is a huge subject to be covered if I chose to concentrate on either the gifts or the trials category, so today I will focus on gifts and only one of them: seeing the world through the eyes of a child.  The desire to discuss this topic came to me because of an situation that occurred with one of my children recently.  Due to my child's desire to put the situation into the past, I will say only that it involved the innocent desire to be accepted among friends and a visit to the principal's office.  Suffice to say no great harm was done and yet there was such a gift in the ability to see the world and the situation from the point of view our 10 year old child.

The candor with which our child shared with me the thoughts and emotions that influenced the "incident" reminded me of one of the joys I used to revel in as a mother of very small children.  On spring days, when the weather was fine, I would bundle up the kids and head out to our fenced-in yard and watch the the kids explore.  All three of them would fan out across the grass, tromp around the ivy and pick up random items and present them to me as "gifts". These gifts would consist of anything from a clot of dirt to a fully bloomed daffodil. One of my favorite moments was when one or all three of our children would run over excitedly yelling: 

"Mommy, Mommy! Look what I found!" I would then be ushered over to see the first crocus of the season.  

Of the array of gifts I would accumulate, the ones that sparked a warm glow deep inside me and an appreciation of each of our children's loving personalities were the gifts that ran along the lines of the clot of dirt. The gratitude I developed for the unsung virtue of the clot of dirt was the response that came from the child when I offered them the opportunity share with me what they loved about the gift they were giving. The answers would vary from:

"See, Mommy, if you look real close in the sunlight, it sparkles." To:

"It looks like a heart."  

As our children have grown, I have started to miss the gift of the world being revealed to me through the untarnished perspective of one or all three our children. As they have grown they still provide me with a fresh perspective and yet, they are slowly being transformed by the responsibilities that come with moving through school, interactions with peers, sports and other activities, in other words--Life.  Sometimes there is not even time for them to stop and see the first blooming crocus or stand and gaze in awe at the power of crashing waves. Sound familiar? 

This change from a child's view to a more adult world view happens when we see our children start to grow and mature into their responsibilities. With these responsibilities comes a problem. The problem, as I see it, is that within this adult world view there is a shift of attitude from "a sense of wonder" to an attitude of "what needs to be done next and by when?" This shift seems to rob them and us of joy. A joy that comes from a feeling of wonder the world offers us in the natural beauty and simplicity of its laws.  So, how does one get the sense of wonder back and maintain the responsibilities that are required of us in the world in which we live?

I have spent much time and effort towards answering the above question because I believe, for me, it is one of the keys to living a happy life. The basic answer is balancing both responsibilities and the enjoyment opportunities of life. How to put this into practice?

Here are my tricks. They are simple and few: 

1. Turn off the news. The news very rarely reflects anything happening that will directly effect you or your family.  If the news does, I guarantee you will already know about it before it airs publicly or you will hear about it sooner rather than later.  If you must pay attention to the news, minimize your exposure and the form of sensory input: listening to the news by the radio only requires one of the five senses so it will not likely impact your attitude as much as TV news which uses three or reading it in the newspaper which requires two.

2. Spend time in the natural world, with nature, with animals or small children as much as possible.  The rules of the natural world are so simple and animals and small children naturally attune to these laws providing a much needed reminder of the beauty of simplicity that still exists in an ever more complex world.   

3. Play everyday! Do something everyday that provides you an opportunity to have fun and enjoy your life. Even if it is as simple as taking a walk listening to your favorite music on your headphones. Fun, in my opinion, is attitude based rather than activity based. 

4. Learn to say "no" kindly and respectfully, not just to people asking you to take on more than you are willing and able, but more importantly, learn to say it to your children.  By saying it to others you model it for your children and by saying "no" kindly to your children, their activities will not overwhelm their lives or YOUR life.  

5. Take time everyday to be alone with yourself.  I start my day, everyday, with this practice and if it is skipped for some reason, I truly miss it. During this time alone with myself, is when I use the aroma of essential oils to enhance my focus and experience. One of my favorite oils for reconnecting to a sense of wonder is: Inner Child.  I drop it onto my hands, rub them together and cup my hands over my nose and mouth and deeply inhale for 20 seconds.  I then say the following affirmation aloud: "I am so happy and grateful for the creativity that is me. I embrace, revere and protect the child within." 

Once I started practicing the above 5 steps in my life consistently, I started to feel space open around me again. The world began to feel much more expansive and the opportunities for learning, curiosity and wonder started reappearing in my life. And low and behold, now, it is me exclaiming excitedly; "Look what I found!" and ushering our children to see the first crocuses of spring.

Enjoy :)



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#Recipe for a Busy Mother a la Mothering Solutions

Hello and welcome!! Thank you for checking out my blog! I am so grateful to be able to share with you solutions to the everyday challenges that face mothers and the "tools" I use for keeping my family healthy and happy.

Mothering is a challenge enough without adding the task of figuring out how to feed a family of five a nutritious and taste bud satisfying meal every night.  It feels especially challenging in our family because we have many different kinds of eaters.  My husband, thank goodness, is easy. He eats a standard diet that could most easily be called a Mediterranean diet.  He is thrilled with any healthy cut of meat, a vegetable and a bean dish or whole grain bread with a salad as a meal option.  Our son, like his father, loves meat and certain vegetables and fruits, and grains. The major categories to stay away from when considering our son’s dietary needs are eggs, and leafy greens.  His dislike of eggs is a result of a 7year allergy to them and the leafy greens? He says they feel like tissues on his tongue.  Now, these seem like surmountable issues, except when you throw in the “female-eating-factor”: Our two daughters and I are vegetarians who prefer no dairy and eat eggs. Let me restate that: we don't just eat eggs, we LOVE eggs! And since we have chickens, our eggs are fresh, delicious and plentiful! What a lovely, quick and easy meal a vegetable frittata and salad make for us vegetarian egg lovers! This simple solution becomes more complicated with the addition of our son in the kitchen "scrounging"** for his dinner.  As you may guess, finding recipes that everyone enjoys in this family is always greatly appreciated and this one meets the test!  The following recipe is adapted from a recipe I found on epicurious.com. It is a simple, delicious recipe that has quickly hit the top of the request list by all members of our family.


 Enjoy :) 


** "Scrounging" is the term we use in our family when what has been prepared for a meal is considered unacceptable by a family member, so they are put in charge of preparing their own meal. In other words, it is a fend-for-yourself situation.

Vegetarian Slow Cooker Black Bean Chili:

Ingredients:

1/4 cup olive oil

2 cups chopped onions

1 2/3 cups coarsely chopped red bell peppers

(about 2 medium)

1 cup coarsely chopped green bell pepper

(about 1 medium)

6 garlic cloves, chopped

4 tablespoons chili powder

4 teaspoons dried oregano

2 1/2 teaspoons roasted, ground cumin

1/2  teaspoon cayenne pepper

2 cups mild salsa ( I uses Herdez, it does not

have added sugar :)

28 oz chopped, unsalted canned tomatoes with

the juice (I use Pomi diced tomatoes)

2 cans chopped mild, green chilies

4 cups Not Chick'n Broth

1 pound dried black beans, soaked overnight

rinsed and drained

2-4 tablespoons chopped cilantro

salt and pepper to taste

Toppings:

Sour cream

Chopped fresh cilantro


Chopped green onions

Grated Monterey Jack cheese

Preparation:

Heat oil in heavy, large pot over medium-high heat. Add onions, bell peppers, and garlic; sauté until onions soften, about 10 minutes. Mix in chili powder, oregano, cumin, and cayenne; stir 2 minutes. Add the sautéed ingredients to a slow cooker. Add the rest of the ingredients on the list to the cooker and set on high for 6 hours.  Stir occasionally and add water throughout and/or toward the end of the cooking time to reach a desired consistency. 

Ladle chili into bowls. Pass chopped cilantro, sour cream, grated cheese, and green onions separately.

Enjoy!



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